Building Relationships with Nervous Dogs: A Story of Patience and Trust Building

Atlas, my “shy” dog

As a dog trainer who works with mostly reactive and fearful dogs, I have gone through the process of befriending dogs who aren’t thrilled to meet me many times (too many to count). I find that a lot of well-meaning people struggle to make connections with dogs who are hesitant to trust or let people into their inner circle. I understand that it can be difficult, and at times frustrating, trying to gain the friendship of a dog who thinks you are up to no good. 

In this post, I wanted to highlight some key tips for interacting with such dogs, and tell a story about my own “shy” dog (yes, dog trainers have difficult dogs too). Keep in mind that this applies to dogs who are nervous—if the dog is known to be aggressive or proactively defensive, please seek the guidance of a qualified professional for your own safety (and the dog’s). 

Rule #1: Come armed with treats, but keep some crucial tips in mind. 

Offering a nervous dog treats is a great way to show that you equal good things. Always check with the dog’s owner first to make sure there are no food allergies or resource guarding issues present. 

Good treats are an amazing tool when working with any dog. However, there are some stipulations that you should keep in mind when giving nervous dogs food. 

Don’t offer the food directly from your hand. 

It is ALWAYS better to toss food on the ground in front of the dog instead of feeding directly from your hand when working with fearful dogs. You may be able to feed from your hand when the dog has shown you that they are more comfortable, but in the beginning make sure to toss instead. Why? If the dog is sufficiently food motivated while also being fearful, they may approach you to take the food and then feel “stuck” when they realize they are in close proximity to you (a scary stranger). They experience internal conflict and may move towards you before they are ready. I have seen this lead to bites in the past due to the dog feeling trapped and lashing out. Until you have built some degree of trust, toss the treats! 

If the dog doesn’t want the food, that’s okay. Don’t pressure them. 

Some dogs will be too nervous to take food at first, and this is okay. Continue to follow the next tips, and they will most likely come around eventually and start taking food. We have other tools in our toolbox besides food! 

Rule #2: Your body language matters. 

Dogs are expert nonverbal communicators and they pay close attention to body language not only from other dogs, but from humans as well. The following pointers will help you adjust your body language to make the dog feel more at ease. 

Keep your body angled away from the dog rather than directly facing them. A head-on approach is far more threatening than being angled slightly away. Wary dogs will be more likely to investigate you if you are facing away from them rather than facing them. 

Don’t solicit an approach from them, just ignore the dog. The dog will most likely warm up faster if you completely ignore them. Don’t make direct eye contact, don’t talk to them, don’t crouch down towards them or encroach on their space. Lots of stranger-wary dogs have learned to recognize the signs that a stranger is about to try to touch/approach them (baby talk, cooing, reaching hands out) and this can push them past what they are comfortable with. 

When the dog approaches you, be a tree. Stay still, but not rigid. Exude calmness and neutrality. Don’t bother reaching for or acknowledging the dog, just let them investigate you as they please. 

Rule #3: Let them approach first.
Invading a nervous dog’s bubble is a surefire way to push them past their comfort zone and show them that you are scary—which we do not want. 

It is far better to let them approach you in their own time. Don’t try to solicit them to approach you either, as discussed with the previous rule.

It might take a while for this to happen with very fearful dogs, but trust me—if you invade their space it will take exponentially longer for them to fully trust you. I will talk about this more when I tell my story about Atlas. 

Rule #4: They will communicate with you when they are ready to move to the next level. 

In regards to my own dog Atlas, I always say to people meeting him: “He’ll let you know when he wants attention.” I then elaborate to say that him sniffing, walking up to, or being near you is not him soliciting attention. He will have loose body language and jump on you, crawl into your lap, or otherwise be completely obvious about wanting love. 

Not all dogs are this obvious about being ready for love. Make sure to take note of increased social behavior—approaching more often, lingering for longer periods when approached, relaxed behaviors in your presence such as laying down, not paying attention to you when you move around, or sleeping (but don’t approach when they are relaxed! Wait for them to come to you). 

It is always good to chat with someone who knows the dog well if you’re not sure if they’re ready for increased contact. It is best to err on the side of caution, and wait until you are absolutely sure the dog is ready. 

Rule #5: Test consent while giving physical attention. 

When you’re able to pet and give attention to the nervous dog, it is always a good idea to make sure the dog is actually enjoying the affection rather than tolerating it (because they may only tolerate it so much). 

Pet the dog for a couple seconds or a brief moment, and then take your hand away. What does the dog do? Do they move away from you, relax, or appear neutral? They may be done with petting for now. Do they bump your hand with their head, move closer, or wiggle happily? They may want more pets! Let them vote with their body language. 

A Personal Anecdote: Atlas 

Atlas is one of my personal dogs, he is a 7 year old Belgian Sheepdog. He is a very neutral dog when out in public- he isn’t afraid of strangers, but he generally doesn’t want to befriend them either. He will politely take treats or sniff, but doesn’t want affection from people he doesn’t know. 

When it comes to meeting people inside our home, or when someone is trying to gain his full trust it can be a little difficult. Consider two cases where someone has tried to become his friend: 

Case One: A person thinks Atlas is so cute, and wants him to trust them. Upon meeting Atlas, they offer him a treat and then immediately try to touch his neck. 

Case Two: This person also thinks Atlas is adorable (rightfully so!), but they choose to let Atlas warm up on his own time. They don’t pet him until the day Atlas climbs into their lap and OBVIOUSLY solicits attention. 

Which person do you think Atlas accepted into his friend circle first? If you guessed the second person, you would be absolutely right! In Atlas’ case (which may very well be different for your dog), it took about 3 visits like this for him to happily (not begrudgingly) accept pets from this person. The first person? Even though they didn’t try to pet him after that, Atlas felt his personal boundary had been violated that first time- and it took about TWICE as long (6 visits) for Atlas to warm up. 

This demonstrates the importance of letting dogs figure things out on their own schedule instead of forcing interaction. 

Have questions? Email me at jordan@brighteyedcanine.com - I’d be happy to hear from you! Live in the Northern Colorado area? I am currently taking private training clients and would love to work with you. I also take remote Zoom training cases if you are out of my service area.

Stay tuned for more posts and dog training info!